How we treat others is a mirror of how we treat ourselves
What we attract externally depends on our internal
state — a concept deeply rooted in the Golden Rule: 'Treat others as
you wish to be treated.' This principle starts with how you treat yourself.
By cultivating self-respect, self-love, and self-awareness, you set the tone
for the energy you project and the relationships you build. Your internal state
shapes your interactions with the world, creating a ripple effect that
influences how others respond to you. True harmony begins within and extends
outward.
One of the reasons why we have high divorce rates and
broken homes is because many people haven’t taken the time to truly get to know
themselves. Self-awareness is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without
understanding our own values, emotional needs, and boundaries we risk entering
relationships with unrealistic expectations, unresolved issues, or misaligned
goals.
For a relationship to be harmonious between two
people, both individuals must be aligned in their values, emotional needs,
expectations, and goals —elements that are cultivated through self-awareness. Feelings
and attraction may spark a connection, they alone cannot sustain it over time.
True longevity in a relationship requires a deep understanding of oneself and
the ability to communicate and align with a partner on these critical aspects.
Higher levels of self-awareness promote emotional
intelligence which enables individuals to articulate their needs, set
boundaries, and nurture mutual respect. It is only when both people are clear
on their personal goals and values they can work together towards a shared
vision, fostering harmony and resilience in the relationship. Unless there is
an alignment, even the strongest initial attraction will falter over time due
to the weight of misunderstanding, ego, and unmet expectations.
Ultimately, a relationship built on shared values and emotional alignment, rather than feelings and attraction alone will be the one that stands the test of time.
Every Negative Relationship is a Chance to
Grow:
There is a saying: 'Life is our greatest teacher.'
While it may sound cliché, it holds profound truth. Life is not a bed of
roses—we will encounter both good and bad. Yet, it’s often the bad that teaches
us to appreciate the good.
Understanding this perspective can help shift our
focus away from the pain of a negative relationship to something more
constructive. In reality, even the hardest experiences carry valuable lessons. These
experiences teach us more about ourselves than we often care to admit. From these
lessons we learn about our boundaries, needs, strengths, as well as weaknesses –
which will in turn lead to better decisions in the future.
By reframing negative experiences into something
positive, we can reach a place of wisdom, maturity, and gratitude. This shift
allows us to release bitterness, resentment, and ill feelings, which only weigh
us down and keep us chained to the pain of the past. In doing so we get to a
place of forgiveness, healing, inner peace, and a brighter future. The purpose
of these lessons is not to place blame on any one person or gender but to gain
a deeper understanding of what parts of ourselves need the most attention. In
each negative experience with a relationship, there is often a boundary that
was not set, a value that was overlooked, or an emotional need that went
unfulfilled.
To remain in a relationship where one’s boundaries are
not respected, or needs are not being met is a clear sign one should evaluate
the love and respect one has for themselves. True self-love involves
recognizing your worth, setting healthy boundaries, and ensuring your emotional
and personal needs are honored. Staying in a situation where this is not the case
will not only compromise your well-being but also prevents you from
experiencing the fulfilling relationship you deserve.
It serves little purpose to blame someone else for the
love you did not receive when you yourself demonstrated so little regard for
your own well-being.
Self-love and self-respect set the
standard for how others treat us.
By prioritizing our own boundaries and needs, we teach
others how to value and respect us in return. If more people embraced this
perspective, we would see fewer 'men vs. women' battles and less gender-based
blame-shifting. Instead, we could foster collaboration, understanding, and
mutual respect. Shifting the focus from assigning fault to building self-awareness
and accountability creates an environment where individuals can grow, connect
authentically, and work together to build stronger relationships and
communities.
Unfortunately, in today’s world, this timeless wisdom
is often overshadowed. Various platforms are filled with sensationalized
discussions—red table talks and pop-the-balloon moments—and social media is
flooded with people questioning their worth. Terms like 'hypergamy' and
'narcissism' often fuel division rather than fostering understanding, leaving
men and women at odds.
Human nature tends to place blame and accountability
on others rather than reflecting inward. While this may temporarily stroke the
ego, it does little to build character or create opportunities for meaningful
growth. By shifting focus from external blame to internal accountability, we
empower ourselves to identify solutions, learn from experiences, and foster a
brighter future. Taking ownership not only strengthens character but also lays
the foundation for healthier relationships, greater resilience, and lasting
personal development.
Date with purpose:
Broken things break other things. The modern dating
pool is filled with broken individuals who have yet to do the necessary work on
themselves. Unresolved wounds, unaddressed traumas, and a lack of
self-awareness can perpetuate cycles of hurt and dysfunction in relationships. Many
of the wounds we see in relationships today are generational. A lack of proper
role models, broken homes, and a media culture that promotes selfishness and
toxic behavior under the guise of self-discovery and happiness only serve to
fuel this cycle. These influences normalize unhealthy patterns, making it
harder for individuals to recognize the importance of healing and personal
growth. Breaking this cycle requires self-awareness, a commitment to addressing
generational wounds, and redefining what healthy relationships and genuine
happiness look like.
This makes it all the more important to date with
purpose. Intentional dating means prioritizing self-awareness, being aligned to
your own individual sense of purpose, knowing your values, and seeking a
partner who shares similar goals and emotional maturity. Purpose removes
gamesmanship, shifting the focus from immature exchanges rooted in fear and a
need for validation to something meaningful and genuine.
When you are strongly rooted in your purpose and
deeply committed to your values, you’ll naturally sift through the weeds as
they appear. However, recognizing those weeds is a different challenge. Even
with alignment to your purpose and commitment to your values, if those values
need refinement or deeper introspection, you may still end up pulling a weed.
Often, misaligned purpose and values in dating may not
entirely be the fault of the individual but rather the result of influences
such as upbringing, environment, or social circle. These factors can shape
relationship expectations, priorities, and behaviors that may not align with
one’s true authentic self or long-term goals. In dating, this misalignment can
lead to attracting partners who reinforce those inherited patterns rather than
fostering growth or fulfillment.
Recognizing these influences and working to refine
your values is essential. This is where guidance can make a significant
difference—finding a life coach to help evaluate your values can provide
clarity, uncover blind spots, and ensure your approach to dating aligns with
your true purpose.
Find a Life Coach to evaluate your values:
The importance of having an effective life coach cannot be
overstated — I speak from personal experience. Life coaches play a unique role
in personal development, distinct from that of mentors. While mentors share
their expertise and guide you through their own experiences, life coaches focus
on helping you identify and overcome the obstacles that may be holding you back
from reaching your full potential.
An effective life coach will not simply tell you what to do;
instead, they ask thought-provoking questions that challenge your assumptions
and beliefs. This process encourages self-reflection and empowers you to
discover your own solutions. By unlocking your inner potential, a life coach
becomes a catalyst for meaningful growth and transformation, helping you
navigate life's challenges with clarity and purpose.
For many people, the absence of a life coach can leave them
confined to the knowledge and experiences shaped by their upbringing,
environment, and social circles. While these influences are essential and play
a vital role in one’s development, they often fall short when it comes to
addressing personal weaknesses which can lead to a higher form of self.
One undeniable truth is that family, environment, and
friends frequently share the same strengths and, more importantly, the same
weaknesses. This shared perspective can create blind spots, making it difficult
to recognize and overcome limiting beliefs or behaviors. A life coach provides
a fresh, objective perspective, helping individuals identify these blind spots
and develop strategies to address them. By offering tools for growth and
self-awareness, a life coach can bridge the gap between potential and achievement.
This is essential as it will lead to one identifying if their values really
align with their potential or if they have really enforced them.
As a person evolves into a higher form of self under the
guidance of a life coach, they naturally position themselves in environments
that align with their purpose, build connections with the right people, and
form healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By reaching a higher level of
self-awareness and personal growth, they attract experiences and individuals
that reflect their refined values and elevated mindset, fostering a life rooted
in authenticity and balance.
Becoming the best version of self attracts the best
While life coaches help break down the barriers to potential
and foster growth, it ultimately falls on the individual to use the tools
provided to become the best version of themselves. This transformation requires
effort and dedication, but the work is well worth it, as it positions the
individual to enjoy the finer things in life — authentic relationships, inner
peace, and a fulfilling sense of purpose.
A healthier version of self is one where love and respect
are first directed inward. In this state, rejection or encounters with others
who may not align in terms of values are no longer seen as personal. Instead, a
person in this state understands that such experiences are simply part of the
journey toward finding the right connections and opportunities that truly
resonate with their growth and purpose. Reaching this state empowers one to
make wise decisions in terms of what connections are healthy and worthwhile.
Such a person will avoid following the masses in terms of
pointing the finger and blaming others because they would have done the work
necessary to know it’s far better to attract based on values than to chase
based on feelings. This level of understanding requires humility, self-awareness,
and consistent self-reflection. A person of this caliber focuses on adding
value to themselves so they can weed out those who are not aligned with their growth
and purpose.
Parting Words of Wisdom: Become so valuable that not
everyone can afford you
A penny passes through many hands, gold a few, and diamonds it's rare people have seen them up close.
When you invest in yourself — building your character, skills, and self-worth—you set a standard that only those who truly align with your values and purpose can meet. Your value becomes a reflection of the work you've done, attracting meaningful connections and opportunities while effortlessly filtering out those who are not prepared to appreciate or match your worth.
Dating with purpose isn’t about chasing—it’s about leading with values, purpose, and standards.
Over time, this intentional approach will naturally align you with a partner who shares your vision for a meaningful relationship. Together, you can build a future filled with fun, spontaneous moments, and lighthearted teasing that celebrates each other’s quirks. This kind of foundation not only strengthens your bond but also creates a model of love and stability for when children become part of the mix, showing them what a healthy home and relationship should truly look like.
Recommended Books:
Actionable Steps for Cultivating Self-Awareness and Building Healthy Relationships
1. Start with Self-Reflection
Daily Journal Prompts:
- What emotions did I feel today, and what triggered them?
- How do I typically respond to stress or conflict? What could I do differently?
- What are my top three values? How do they shape my decisions and interactions?
Self-Audit:
- Identify recurring patterns in past relationships (e.g., unmet needs, conflicts, or insecurities).
- Reflect on lessons learned from negative experiences and how they’ve shaped your boundaries.
2. Clarify Your Values and Goals
Values Alignment Worksheet:
- List your top 10 personal values (e.g., trust, respect, growth, family).
- Narrow them down to five core values you prioritize in relationships.
- Write a short description of what each value means to you in practice.
Set Relationship Goals:
- Define what a fulfilling relationship looks like to you (e.g., emotional support, aligned future goals).
- Set specific, measurable goals for the type of partner or relationship you want to cultivate.
3. Practice Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Check-Ins:
- Take 5 minutes each day to ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now?
- Why am I feeling this way?
- What do I need to process or resolve this emotion?
- Take 5 minutes each day to ask yourself:
Active Listening Exercise:
- When communicating with others, focus on:
- Listening without interrupting.
- Asking clarifying questions (e.g., “What did you mean by that?”).
- Paraphrasing their words to show understanding.
- When communicating with others, focus on:
4. Establish and Enforce Boundaries
Boundary Setting Template:
- Identify situations where you feel disrespected or uncomfortable.
- Write a script for asserting your boundaries. Example:
- “When you [action], I feel [emotion]. I need [specific boundary or action] for us to maintain a healthy relationship.”
Practice Saying No:
- Start small by declining minor requests that don’t align with your priorities.
- Gradually build confidence in setting larger boundaries.
5. Heal Unresolved Wounds
Identify Triggers:
- Write down situations that provoke intense emotional reactions.
- Explore the root cause of these triggers and how they relate to past experiences.
Seek Support:
- Consider working with a therapist or life coach to process unresolved trauma and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
6. Cultivate Intentional Relationships
Assess Compatibility:
- Use a “compatibility checklist” to evaluate potential partners based on shared values, goals, and emotional maturity.
- Be honest about deal-breakers early in the dating process.
Set Intentional Dating Standards:
- Write down three non-negotiables and three desirable traits in a partner.
- Commit to prioritizing alignment over attraction when choosing whom to date.
7. Focus on Growth-Oriented Mindsets
Reframe Negative Experiences:
- For every difficult relationship, ask:
- What did this teach me about myself?
- How can I grow from this experience?
- Replace blame with curiosity to uncover personal insights.
- For every difficult relationship, ask:
Celebrate Small Wins:
- Acknowledge and reward yourself for progress, whether it’s asserting a boundary or recognizing a toxic pattern.
8. Find a Life Coach or Mentor
Steps to Find the Right Coach:
- Research professionals with expertise in relationships or self-development.
- Schedule consultations to discuss their approach and determine fit.
- Look for someone who challenges your assumptions and provides actionable feedback.
Self-Coaching Questions:
- If I were advising a friend in my situation, what would I suggest?
- What is one small step I can take today toward my long-term goals?
9. Practice Gratitude and Forgiveness
- Daily Gratitude List:
- Write down three things you’re grateful for each day to cultivate a positive mindset.
- Forgiveness Ritual:
- Write a letter to someone who hurt you (you don’t have to send it).
- Acknowledge your pain, express your feelings, and release resentment.
Optional Section: Relationship Self-Awareness Quiz
Create a simple quiz with questions like:
- Do I know my top three values?
- Can I articulate my emotional needs?
- Am I comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries?
- Do I blame others for relationship issues, or do I reflect inward?
